I get asked this all the time!! How do you support someone who is going through IVF. It can be very emotional, very vulnerable, and very personal. The thing that is most important to remember: everyone deals with this in their own way. No two people will be the same. Some will find a ton of comfort in talking it out – and others will never want to vent. I’ve put together my top ten things you can do to support someone that you care about as they navigate this long road of infertility.
If I could sum it up: hold your tongue, don’t be awkward, and go out of your way to be thoughtful. I hope this helps you! Feel free to share with the IVF sisters [ of families ] in your life!
[ If your new here, you can read more about my first IVF journey here and my second here 🙂 ]
Be a good listener.
This is a lot to take in & process for them. Everything is new, there are countless steps, and most of their own questions are unanswered. As someone who cares about them – ask them how their recent appointment went. Make your primary goal to simply listen. If you’re going to ask questions – make sure it’s conversational and phrased in a way to help them share how they feel. Don’t expect them to teach you everything about the INFERTILITY world – because it’s probably a world they are still learning a lot about themselves. Focus on helping them process. Let them vent. If you tell them that you care and they know it’s true – that alone means a lot. Also understand, that some people just do not want to talk about it all. With anyone. It’s not personal – they just don’t process it all by talking it out.
Ask them if there are any specific ways you can pray for them or help them?
If they have something specific in mind that they are struggling with, worried about, or needing – you will really make them feel cared for by getting specific. Maybe they are nervous about their next diagnostic test – you can pray for peace or even send a favorite meditation/playlist. If they have to leave work to make an appointment & feel stressed about the day – you can offer to let their dog out for them, or send them a $5 Starbucks e-gift card on you.
Offer a distraction or a fun activity.
The fertility world quickly takes over your whole life. Everything is timed. Their schedule is tight. They probably don’t feel that great. You can offer a simple girl’s night dinner or a Friday night at the movies. You could offer a quick beach walk and bring them their fav tea or coffee. In my opinion – the simple things mean the most and won’t take a lot of thought to squeeze it into their calendar or time their shots around your girl’s date.
Take note of any important dates she mentions while chatting.
It will mean a lot to her to get a simple text message the morning she’s going for that test she was nervous about. The night before her egg retrieval, you could send her a quick message letting her know you’re praying for her & carve out sometime if she wants to talk. A quick encouraging quote from Pinterest goes a long way.
Avoid saying “Have You Tried […. insert fertility miracle here….].”
Look, it’s usually well-meaning, but I’m telling you this is the most common response and is so inappropriate. It’s aso very awkward for them to respond. You likely know very little about what she has already done, tried, or discussed with her doctor. Are there alternative treatments + advice that can be helpful – YES, but make sure it’s welcomed or asked for before sharing what you’re cousin did. If they are pursuing IVF – it is usually because they have exhausted every other option. And definitely don’t tell them to “relax” or “stop thinking about it.”
Understand it’s not your place to try and problem-solve.
This can be a natural inclination. You want to help this person that you care about – take their pain away. Trying to problem-solve for them often feels like you are minimizing or simplifying their situation and not taking into account how deeply personal each decision is that they have to make. Let them guide the conversation. If you still want to help them problem-solve, solve their grocery shopping problem, or their dry cleaning run they don’t have time for this week.
Do something to lift her spirits.
She may be handling it all pretty well, or maybe she isn’t. Either way, she is dealing with a lot more stress than she used to and she likely doesn’t feel too great on the medication she’s taking. It’s important to realize she may or may NOT want to hang out. You can lift her spirits by sending her something in the mail, organizing a meal for her to have with her partner, or by sending her something to make her laugh. Quick tip: go easy on all the IVF branded stuff – not everyone loves that. And definitely don’t send any baby stuff.
Send a self-care gift basket.
It can be fancy, expensive, or not at all. Include a card, face mask, nail polish, treats, candle, cozy socks, headband, yummy tea, chapstick, new book, new pens, stickers for her packed planner, or a cute new water bottle. If she’s up for it – a gift card for a massage or pedicure could be nice! These are especially good ideas if your friend/family member doesn’t want to talk a lot about what she’s going through. Don’t just do it once – this is a long journey. Again: go easy on the IVF-themed stuff, safer to focus on self-care items.
Don’t be weird during the TWO WEEK WAIT.
Whew, this is already a difficult time. They are already feeling nervous, unsure, hopeful, and probably anxious. Having to field any questions on if they “feel pregnant” just does not help. Know that this is a tough waiting period – to know whether the embryo transfer worked or not. They don’t need any extra pressure from other people who are “dying to find out” – umm… no kidding, so are they. Focus on healthy distractions + get them out of the house if they are up for it!
Give them space on BETA day.
The day will come when they have their blood drawn to see if they are pregnant of not. Whether the news is good or bad – they will likely want to spend some time with their partner soaking it in. It can be exhausting to have to repeat bad news to all the people all at once. Let them decide how and when they will share. If the news is bad – it’s likely going to come through a text message. This may take them days to wrap their head around. Let them process, talk to their doctor about next steps, and accept what the outcome is. If it’s good, you’ll likely get a call when they are ready to share! The main thing – let them lead here. If you’re wanting to let them know you are praying for them or thinking of them on BETA DAY because you all have discussed it – just say…. “no need to text back – just know I’m thinking of you today & I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk or grab some tacos. Love you & I am so proud of you.”
There we have it!
Are you an IVF sister? Did I miss any? I would LOVE for you to leave it in the comments below so we can help more people support those going through this twisty path!
As always, be sure to follow me on Instagram as I document our second IVF journey. You can also click here for more IVF content if you’re looking to learn more about the process!
